Paralyzed
by Karvost
Summary: Things don't always go the way we wanted them to be. But it hurts more when you can't do anything. Only watching how it unfold. Powerless. Dedicated for someone special. Angsty Bumblebee break-up. Song: DM Galaxy - Paralyzed.


**Paralyzed**

_A little letter I dedicated for the most important person in my life. Even if they may never find this._

~-x-~

Your lilac eyes. Such a capturing sight. Alluring. Hypnotizing.

Some days, they're full of spirit. Some days, they're so mischievous. Some days, they could be patronizing, criticizing me in a playful manner. Some days, they would give me a dangerous vibe, telling me to stay out of the way. Luckily, the last one almost never happened.

And today, I know I would make them do something different. Something they've never done before. Shedding tears. I swallowed. Trying to explain everything to you–who on a very rare occasion–, stood still with the most unreadable expression I've seen. It's so hard, Yang, I know. I'm so sorry. I don't want to run from you anymore.

_Savoring this moment..._

I'm just a coward. I didn't even dare to admit our relationship. So please, just hate me already. Scream curses. Yell at me. Slap me. Do something!

_Is this our last goodbye?_

What I'm doing–hurting you, once again–, is cruelty that doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Nor did I expect one. I've run away from you more than once. Yet, you still accept me back with open arms. I could never understand, but I always appreciate that.

You. The one always there in my darkest night. Fighting alongside me against my demons. For a reason you later told me; I matter.

_I thought we loved each other..._

It sounds like fate loves to toy with us. We've fought the most dangerous of people and Grimm. Been in deadly situations. Been there and back again. Both of us. Alive.

But then, I say those words to you. About my parents. My dad's disapproval, specifically. Watching your face contorts from confusion to a dawning realization, then finally, a cold mask. Expressionless. I couldn't stare at your eyes anymore. My 'sorry' felt hollow. So, like a scolded kid, I gazed down at the ground. Wishing there's a better word carved there for me to tell you, but I knew it's impossible.

_I guess one of us lied._

You know, five months may not be a long time. Not when compared to how long we've known each other. But those months flew faster than any. I experienced so many things. I got scared, too. Scared that you might leave me. But you proved me wrong. And for the first time in my life, I finally understand what it is to love and be loved.

Not to love and be wanted like a property.

I just... didn't expect that I'm going to be the one leaving you instead. Nor did I expect you would let me go. But you did. You turned away from me. Your arms were trembling, so you curled your fists and tried to make it recede. Using a flat tone, you spoke. Two words hit me–no, stabbed me in the heart:

'Just go.'

_So please, just, pull away,  
I can't look you in the face._

For a moment, I didn't know how to react. I was expecting at least a harsh word, a yell, or worse, a hand on my cheek. You didn't do any of those. Your eyes didn't show any sign of anger. Nothing. Then I realized, this is actually the worst treatment I could get. But now, I gladly take it; it doesn't hurt more than the pain I gave to you, is it? Ya, I know.

I no longer matter, aren't I?

_I don't wanna have to lie,  
I wanted this love to survive._

Why would you stay with someone who'd left you twice and now wouldn't even fight for us? There's no reason to. It's okay, I understand. You gave up. That's alright. I can't ask more. I shouldn't. You already gave me more than I asked.

_But now, when, I look in your eyes..._

The least I could do for you is to shorten this painful moment. To spare you from more agony. Let me be the one suffering it instead. So, I turned my back to you. My feet almost wobbled when I took the first step. So hollow. I ignored the tears those raced down my cheeks. One proper word. Just one. To end this.

"Goodbye."

_...I'm feeling paralyzed._

~-x-~

_For you out there so far beyond my reach. Always, I love you._

– **Karvost**


End file.
